Finally, I’m back home earlier. I don't feel like staying home, don't even like to be so quiet now, this will make me refreshing the memories and thinking much.

Few weeks ago, Sam questioned me, "You are not the Ah Qi I knew before, what make you become not straightforward like before? Why don't tell what u want or what u think that is actually from your heart?" He understood me well, this hinted me a lots. I had changed; I lost myself for some reasons.

Those reasons actually are so unreasonable.

This is terrible; this is the worst battle for me. I knew what my feel, I don't admit it. There were no points to admit it, since there will be no answer and no feedback; also, the main point was the situation will not be changed. Thus, I choose to dig a big hole, buried all the feeling inside, however, it was never work, it didn't like burying a corpse which will be there forever. The feeling like a plant, it will grow. The more I bury, the more it grow, and it grows in 2 ways, either hate or love. I felt hurt; somehow, actually no one will care, this is because I myself wanted get into in these hurts. I can avoid it earlier, but I don’t then get involve it more. This is how stubborn on me. I know that, to release it, I want an explanation, I want the truth, and I want the fact, nevertheless I can’t and no rights to force people to tell me everything. And so, I’m waiting… waiting for the explanation stupidity, like how I’m waiting for the truth from Sam last time. This is dumb.

Sam asked me again, “Why people always placing you in No.2?” No 2 just like a replacement. This is a good question; and I make him speechless, because he himself was one of those who place me in No. 2 before. Hmm… I shouldn’t be so kind, I shouldn’t be softhearted, and I shouldn’t be so busybody for the person. I wish I could hurt the person the way he hurt me, but I know if I had the chance, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t have the ability of revenges. I don't wanna fight, I'm lazy to keep arguing the issue. I choose to be blind and deaf, choose to be quiet instead of exposing the bluffs and lies again and again. I felt so disappointed, so upsetting on a person which I trust and concern so much.

Still remembered, when the first I came here, mum had advised me not to believe guys in this city, reasons - they are selfish, cunning, and take people for granted. I don't listen on her; I believe there still have some, which can be trusted. However, it's proved that mummy was right.

No matter how good and sweet of the memories, no matter how much I miss it, I wish to erase it, how much I wish there are no promises, and this reminded me how foolish am I past a year.

I wish I have no feeling, I wish to be numb, I wish to be cruel a little bit more... I wish this is only a dream, the pain will go away few minutes after I waking up. But... this is not.